Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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