eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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