She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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