You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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