for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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