Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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