it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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