I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
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Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
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