why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
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The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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