I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
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The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
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They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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