How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i think i have two assholes
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
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I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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