When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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