he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
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You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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