can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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