y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
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Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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