i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
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I cut my penus on the lid.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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