im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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