i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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