Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
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She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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