I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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