I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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