I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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