I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How naked do you want me to be?
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