Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
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we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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