I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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