I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
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I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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