First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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