the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
