It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
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on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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