Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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