you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
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It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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