True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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