the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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