if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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