I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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