At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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