once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
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After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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