Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize