Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
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I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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