My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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