and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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