i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
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How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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