I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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