Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
