Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize