I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I bet he comes in French.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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