I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have so many feelings about this burrito
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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