I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize