He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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