Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
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Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
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Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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