u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
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Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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